My Head Hurts From Over-Thinking
LOL... what a title for this post!
Anyway - I did talk with Jens about how I was feeling about myself last night...and something struck me this morning.
My confidence has been shaken and destroyed so much by what happened six years ago - it seems that I haven't really recovered from it. Yes, I have tried so many times - and I know I'll keep trying and trying.
It's just a feeling that St. Louis is no longer a welcome home for me anymore - and I look forward to a move down south some day - maybe Florida or Louisiana. In a few more years, I'll be able to tell when and where.
I do keep on truckin' - it's not in my nature to give up and quit - I just procrastinate too much now and have become pretty forgetful, too. I think it's just a coping mechanism I've developed over the last few years - and something I'm going to have to change.
Jens does remember me as being efficient, organized and gung-ho before the fiasco in 2003, and the changes that have come over me since then. I wonder if anyone else have noticed - I do know that no one has said anything to my face, though. People will STILL not stand up and tell me face to face what they think - they still go behind my back and gossip about me - but that's the deaf way in St. Louis and everywhere else.
I've started talking about DEAF DRAMA in my Facebook status - pointing out some things that I've observed, but have kept it limited to a few things here and there.
I still feel moody as hell - no, it's not PMS. Just the way I've been feeling. I do know that my seasonal affective disorder is way out of control - and I'm having a hard time lately in trying to get things done - for example, today I have to have all the fooking GSLC minutes done - and am still putting it off. I have to dust off the binder, put it in front of the keyboard, pull up the notes and start typing - however, I just don't want to. I just want to do some crafting - scrapbooking and playing with altered arts.
I even have a hard time getting up in the mornings to get ready for work - although when I do finally make it to my desk at work, I get my work done.
At least I'm catching up on my reading - am going through the A Series of Unfortuhnate Events by Lemony Snicket (Book 4) and have six more to go. I've already read the Twilight saga, ghostgirl and The Lost Case Files of T.A.P.S. Not bad - not bad.
I guess I just wanna out of here.
Way Too Much...
I have been thinking and thinking - and now I have a bit of a headache. I have been feeling so frustrated - and I am not sure of why I feel this way.
I do know that my self-esteem is going down again...*sigh*
I am also getting the feeling that I'm pretty much done with St. Louis now. There's not much left here for me - I don't feel very much welcome here anymore, and I only have a few really close friends here in Missouri now (not in St. Louis, however) - most of my really, really good and close friends live out of state. And I mean OUT OF MISSOURI - period.
I have become disillusioned with so many people here - and I find myself less and less motivated to get out there, roll up my sleeves and get my hands dirty. I don't even want to be an advocate anymore - I'm tired of all the backstabbing. In fact, I was told that one of my SO-CALLED 'close' friends had spread the word that I have been complaining about knee pain - sheesh... but then, go figure. She has severe knee pain, too, and I hear more from her... at least from my point of view.
Sometimes I wonder why I'm still here - but then I know the answer. Both Jens' and my jobs are here, our parents are here - and it's still pretty much central to where I want to go.
No, I don't feel suicidal - it's just how I feel pretty much every day now. I think it started when I got suspended in 2003 - and I've lost so much motivation from then on - I've tried to find new leaders that could make me feel I could do something, but ... uh huh - nope. I still belong to a few St. Louis organizations, but am an officer in only two - and that's it. I just don't want to do much anymore - I'd rather spend time with friends and doing what I love to do - mixed media.
What can I do?
Nothing.
No, it's not a case of burn-out. It's more of an awakening - finding out that what I thought was good, is not so good.
In fact, I just turned down an opportunity - because I knew I wouldn't be able to commit to it.
I need to work on my commitment - my feeling of commitment. I also need to work on my disciplines, my self-worth.
Right now, I'm just lost.
RTR/DCC
Finally I was able to launch RTR/DCC in Facebook - there's a page for events and all that!
Grandmother Owoc
Josephine Mary Kresowaty Owoc, 93, of Canton Regency Assisted Living Facility, 4515 22st N.W., Canton, Ohio, formerly of 12 E. Balph Ave. and Vista South, New Castle, died the evening of Aug. 27, 2009, in Aultman Hospital, Canton. Born Dec. 12, 1915, in Scranton, Pa., Josephine was the daughter of the late Leon Stanley and Teresa Pierog Kresowaty.She was married for 64 years to Joseph B. Owoc. They were married on May 14, 1938. Joseph preceded her in death on Nov. 29, 2002.Josephine was a member of Holy Trinity Polish National Catholic Church.She was a Sunday school teacher and worked on the pierogi project at the church.Josephine was a member of the Ladies Adoration of the Most Blessed Sacrament and the Polish Falcons, Nest 146.She belonged to the St. Francis Auxiliary, where she was a volunteer at the former St. Francis Hospital for more than 35 years, and the St. Mary's craft club.Josephine worked as a judge of elections in South New Castle Borough for many years. She really enjoyed crocheting, crafts, reading, walking and word search books.Survivors include a son and daughter-in-law, Paul and Pat Owoc of St. Louis, Mo., a daughter and son-in-law, Sue and Tom Cwynar of Canton, Ohio; a sister, Genevieve Copper of New Castle; a granddaughter, Margaret "Missy" Owoc of Florissant, Mo.; and sisters-in-law, Fannie Marks and Julia Boczar of New Castle.Josephine was preceded in death by her parents; husband, Joseph "Dud" Owoc; a son, Leon Owoc, who died on Nov. 29, 1983; two brothers, Frank Kresowaty and Philip "Sham" Kresowaty; and a sister, Frances Stoner.Calling hours are 6 to 8 p.m. Monday, Aug. 31, 2009, and 9 to 10:30 a.m. Tuesday, Sept. 1, 2009, at the Noga Funeral Home, 1142 S. Mill St. A blessing service will be conducted at 10:30 a.m. Tuesday at the funeral home. A Mass of Christian Burial will be celebrated at 11 a.m. Tuesday at Holy Trinity Polish National Catholic Church. The Very Rev. Marcell W. Pytlarz will officiate. Burial and committal service will take place at Holy Trinity Polish National Catholic Cemetery.
In Memory
I went to Terry Ann Brignole's wake last Friday evening and saw so many friends paying their last respects - it made me feel good that she was very much liked.
St. Louis Deaf Festival | ksdk.com | St. Louis, MO
St. Louis Deaf Festival | ksdk.com | St. Louis, MOShared via
AddThis
hello, hello again
I know I havent been keeping up with any of my blogs - I had been so uncomfortable and in pain from the cramps caused by the tumor, that I was not able to do very much for so long.
Now that the tumor is gone... I am feeling better and better every day.
Let's see if I can keep this up!
I missed my blogs!!!!!
whew...
Whew... still recovering from my June 29th surgery... still got about 2-3 months before I feel like myself again.
What disappointed me... is the non-response from quite a few people - oh yes, the ones who counted the most, was with me the whole time... either in person, by email or IM and in spirit, were with me the whole time... but those ... who I was there for, helped them through their tough times... did not even say anything. That really hurt me a lot.
Oh well.
Im just glad the surgery is over, the 24/7 cramps are all gone!
